Open Mic competition is finally over! Phew! Finally... I don't have to worry about singing and getting flu and sore throat... o... wait, I still do... concert on Sunday... What should I sing?!???!?!

This time going on-stage, I did not feel the least nervous! (Except my legs shook a lliiiiiittttllleeeee bit on stage) But really, did not feel nervous! Is that cool or what ^_^ Finally getting used to going on stage... But that's school. Don't know what'll happen on Sunday.

Glad people liked the performance! I personally didn't think we sounded that great. Michael, Vani and Meyi would win for sure!!! Their performance was sooooo great!!! ^_^ Loved it loved it.

Whoa guys! I can't believe it but I'm in the soccer team now... I don't know substitute or main team though... Probably substitute since I've just only been in this CCA twice and played only once... Damn, I don't even know my position as a player! =S And the match is what, next week? I gotta go get my photo taken later, right after my tuition (which is supposed to be... right NOW?). And I'm gonna get new frames for my glasses too.

I faced another problem about being in a group with a girl I didn't like... Even though I don't know her yet. I almost quit the group, but thought again. Am I going to quit from social issues? Again, NO. I'm not going to be a chicken. It's just a group for a project. Nothing to fuss about. And then I was in a group with her again... And she wasn't that bad after all! Even though she does not apply to my principles in life, but hey. She's her own person. Oh well.

Guess what? I have another vocal concert on 4th February. So that means......... ... . . .

I must be stupid to have believed and place high hopes. Why do people place their hopes so high? They always say "believe and you can do it". For a while back I believed in those words. But isn't that being too overly confident? Too much hope?

I tell myself the same thing over and over again. I tell myself don't expect anything. Don't be a fool again. But it was so definite. So sure. They made me believe every word they say. And so much of what they did made me feel so... hopeful and sure.

How many times did they tell me "we're moving", "we're not moving", "we're moving", "we're not moving"? It seems so countless, I get tired just thinking about it. I really must learn not to be trusting. I'm learning.

That chihuahua also seems like a fantasy now. Not only we're not moving, my mum said plain and clear she does not want dogs. I just don't get it. Really don't get it. What's with her and dogs? I know she does not like the stink, but how stinky can a chihuahua be? Didn't we have a hundred dogs before we moved to Singapore? And how much work is there to be done when we're going to have a maid anyway? What do "retired" housewives do at home??? They must be bored to death.

Man... I'm still sad about all these.

First off, I'm very happy to see comments in my school journal. I write all personal stuffs there (well not all) and getting comments is good, it's like getting comments in my blog! <3 *kisses new english teacher Miss Lydia*


Right, my homework n projs are piling up ike MAD. But I'm not stressed out like last week (remember my disappointment post?) yeah, that was all to be blamed on extreme PMS. Tsk.


I feel a little business-like whenever somebody asks why I didn't go there or can we go here sometime, I say "I can't, I'm busy..." - which IS true. All my classmates are stressed out like mad. They wanna move to express class. What?? Why?? I just don't get it.


Don't they like the challenge and business? I hated my holidays (kinda) coz I was really getting bored of sitting in the comp. all day, doing nothing. Now, I got lots to do.


Bio project is FINALLY done! We put so much effort in that, we shoot videos, trying to squeeze in time between classes. I made all the subtitles last minute, typing like a professional clerk. Yea seriously. My class was like roflmao-ing while watching the video. It makes me happy they really enjoyed it. That's our sweat and tears RIGHT THERE!


Oh. Today is the second round of soccer CCA. Last week was a blow. Like Chu said, "maybe the world is testing you, to make you stronger." And I think I passed the test. I'm not going to be so fragile. At least try. PMS made me cry to sleep last week, it made me fight with people I love. Whatever the shit about PMS!!! Anyways, i was going to quit soccer after the mental blow last week. But I encouraged to continue, and not quit from social distress.


I went for CCA without any high hopes, and I did not fall into that dark hole. And that's a good thing. I was actually getting along OK with the sec 4s... It makes me happy. I realise I thought too much. Was too self-conscious. My mom told me last week: "If you want to do something, don't do it because of somebody else. Do it because you want to." Makes lots of sense. Everything's better... *oops* must not get hopes up!!! *strangles self*

Btw, wish me luck for the next round of Open Mic! I'm singing Goodbye Days. And keep the tags rolling damnit!!!!!

I was gonna blog abt PMS killing me in 2 days straight, but now I gotta go! cya! =b

Yesterday, I faced a lot of disappointments: soccer, *that* girl, and moving houses. These are all the things I've placed high hopes on. Maybe too high. Can you imagine facing THREE disappointments????

Argh. Whatever. I will never expect anything anymore. I woke up today to such a triple nightmare, and losing the mood to go see houses. I mean, I even ASKED if we're definitely not moving. And Dad just said "yea". Godamnit! $%^&*(#$%^& So I replied with a "I don't wanna go see houses no more". I made sure it was a sad tone. Coz damn straight I was sad, DUH!?

I was expecting a pet, a nice complex, nice neighbours, bigger and better house designs, new bedroom... All that's gone now.

Just now my mom was leaving, and told my brother to go eat something 1st because they're coming home late. She said Dad was going to look at houses. Is that supposed to make me feel better or did they sense my disappointment? Or did they just suddenly change their minds? I think it's likely the 1st or 2nd, but if that's the case, I sure feel damn bad.

But really, ARGH! The feeling of disappointment is in my hate list right now.

She's such a stuck-up princess. She's pretty, even looks good when she is obviously ACTING cute. But her heart is placed so damned high up. And she only makes friends with advantages. Egoistic, and bitchy though you wouldn't know by looking at her. Kind of nice sometimes, but the next moment you see her, her back is turned.

I'm sitting here all alone feeling dull, listening to happy songs, hoping it would lift up my mood. And I'm telling you, it works. But not a hundred percent. Geez, I really don't get it. Why is my dad so persistent? Why does he HATE me all of a sudden. Does loving my brother and sucking up to him a lot mean he has to HATE me??


Shit.


Yeah sure, go have your drink of wine with just "the three of us" till late at night, yea sure, leave me alone, keep me out of your birthday celebration. If that's you want it to be.


I know you think I couldn't hear you guys laughing together, having fun without me. Cuz' the moment I step into the room you fall silent.And I know you think I didn't hear you tell brother that you think he's perfect, all he needs is more responsibility and dilligence. I know to you, I'm just smart trash who talks back to your words. Well I'm SORRY I'm born to be so much like you! I'm SORRY I hold my ego so high and I refuse to surrender. Yea Dad, I'm so extremely SORRY I didn't grow up to be like my brother.


Ya know, you used to be my hero. I even wrote it down on my classwork. I said Daddy was my hero. I can't believe you just threw me out like that. I don't even know what the f*** I did wrong. Am I supposed to read your mind? Fine, so I am a bit emotionally uncontrollable. So I lived 4 years in depression. So I know you wanted to send me to an orphanage.


Does those memories still haunt you? Coz' it's still tearing me apart. Do you still hate me for that? I thought we were over and done about it.


I can't believe you. I can't believe you. I can't believe you.


What the fuck happened.


What the shit happened to you.


Does it make you happy to ignore whatever I say to you? Does it make you uncomfortable whenever I try to talk to you?

And when I said I wasn't like my brother, I can't believe you said such a thing. I can't believe you said you pity me. WHAT THE FUCKING HELL DO YOU MEAN?!?!?!

And if after that, I go angry, you WANNA FUCKING BLAME ME AGAIN??? WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK MADE ME SO ANGRY???!?!

It's amazing what a couple of days could do.
Everything's going upside down to what it always use to be.
Daddy won't you look at me
Would you talk to me not because you want me to throw trash for you?
Literally...

I still have the girl you wish to throw out within me
And you hate it so much
It actually hurts
Cuz' I can't change the way I lived for years
You don't expect me to be all smiles
I can't do that
Even though I wish I could
I can't.

I'm sorry I can't be perfect.
And I didn't grow up the way you want me to.