Currently, I am in a weird stage of my life, which I randomly name 'the jelly phase'. And in this particular phase, I am feeling time go by and I see more clearly than ever the changes it brings.

There is a thunderstorm building up outside my apartment (which I have just diligently scrubbed and rearranged into its past state of untouched vacancy). When the downpour started, I hopped onto my bed and stretched my arms out of the small creak on the window. Then my eyes studied the vicinity, trying to take in everything and memorise it - the low brick houses, ornate verandahs, silver roofs. I watched a woman in black tank top cooking an egg, the warm lights in her kitchen colouring her skin with this vibrant orange-yellow. Another neighbour appeared, a hippie-looking man with long dreadlocks and a red bike strapped onto his back. He didn't seem to mind (or notice) the rain in the least bit.

Most of the time though, I watched the bird perched on the electric pole.


I'm uneven, unbalanced, shedding, drying, doubting, and thrown into a peaceful yet threatening empty space. Its emptiness has made all sorts of evil seep out from the depth of my very being and stain the space with its dark, brooding colour. Anyone who steps on this space gets infected by this toxic. Soon I can no longer trust anyone here. I am better off by myself. Yet I don't want to be. I am wishing for more and more strength to help me go through the jelly phase.

I'm sorry for the lack of posts on the Japan trip blog. It seems blogging daily while travelling is quite a feat... we reached home late every night and were too tired to blog. We showered and went to sleep. But it was a really good trip. We met so many people, talked to strangers, bonded with family members, went to interesting places. I learnt so much during this vacation.

But finally, I am back in Melbourne. My brother had high fever, and I also had the flu. So for the first few days of arrival here, I was busy taking care of my brother and myself. Unpacking a month's worth of luggage, laundry, cleaning, cooking healthy meals for the both of us, and finding time in there somewhere to rest. I felt like a housewife/mother and I realised how physically demanding the job actually is. The good thing is, it's not mentally challenging. So I felt much sense of accomplishment easily, with every little household task I completed. I felt a kind of change within me, as I realised I have become the type of person who enjoys cooking, writing recipes, maintaining the apartment's hygienic state. I barely know who I am anymore.

Comparing the 'me' who is here now with the being who was in this body a few years ago, the contrast is (almost) black and white. All I can grasp well to be unchanged are my hobbies and habits - reading a good book fervently, closing my eyes to classical music in order to more clearly grasp its message, enjoying a bit of alcohol now and then, playing games (though I have not been recently). My personality and outlook on life and how I'd like to live it has changed dramatically in... I can safely say a year.  It just proves how unexpected the future can be. Well... that's an obvious point but most of the time it's an unconscious thing.

Regardless of my understanding that planning the future might as well be a futile effort on my part, I still felt the urge to make a list/timeline of my 'life plan' from now on (another thing about me that still has not changed is my love for making lists).

The reason why I am feeling such confusion and sense of loss today is because I am no longer a university student. It was so easy in the past, to know for sure where I would go after primary school...after high school...after college... but the roads of oppoturnities split and multiply at each of these stages, and now I realise I'm at a point in the mountain where the paved road has stopped and there are no more clear areas but a lot of paths I could take along the spaces between the trees in front of me. I could do anything I wanted, and go anywhere I wished. I'm sure I could survive somehow. The only problem is I can't make that decision for myself because like many other people I don't know what I want. All I can do is follow my gut instinct.

Another thing that bothered me when I made my list, was this:

Year          Age
2011          19
2012          20
2013          21
2014          22
2015          23

If I were a character in a storybook, this year I would still be eligible to be described as "a 19-year-old girl". Next year, however, I would be described as "a woman in her early 20s". Nobody ever uses the phrase "a 20-year-old girl" do they?

At least I've never seen it.