I am so mad! I'm growing pimples! My skin is ruined!!! TxT They hurt so bad... On my T-zone and on my cheeks. After I shower, they BURN my head. Throb throb throb... ouch ouch ouch... I hate theeemmmm!!! Die! Die! Go awayy!!! I'm gonna use OXY-5 till u leave me alone!! T_T

I think I've been learning so many things these days. And oh, the rain keeps falling every single day here. Everybody knows about the Adam Air accident. Yesterday there was the killer earthquake. Today, one of the Garuda Airlines planes crashed. Could this be a punishment?

But anyways, I just want to say Miss Lanny is a really nice teacher. But so many people disagree with me! When I was in sec 1, i hated my math teacher (Ms Yurika) so much, I neglected math. Which is a very stupid thing to do, but i did. So my grades suffered a lot through sec 1 and sec 2. I'm still working on it. Ms Lanny taught me from sec 2, and I failed her tests so many times! I got so hopeless a lot, and she never gave a special treatment. She still gave me more and more work, more and more stress. Her explanations bore me. But whenever I have a question, I won't hesitate to ask. She would explain and make sure I understand. And okay come on, the more homework she gives us, the more homework she has to mark too right?

Today after school I was in the same lift as her. She was hurrying home. She said she had to drive her daughter to her Chinese tuition. She said she regretted not learning Chinese because now she cannot teach her daughter anymore. At that moment, it was raining outside, and she had to get her car. So she just ran, out there into the rain. Just so she could drive her daughter to tuition on time.

In class she likes to mention her daughter. If I did not hear wrongly, she said "Yea maybe you guys are second to hate me after my daughter." She said very softly and quickly. So many people didn't catch it and asked her to repeat, but she said "nevermind" and went on with the lesson.

Then I wondered if my parents also did the same for me. Send me to school when there is no driver. I now know why my mum keep scolding me every morning, when my brother and I are slow to go to school. She never wanted us to be late. I used to get so pissed. And she always asked "Why are you the one going to school and I'm the one worrying if you are late?!". Now I know I should not feel annoyed at all! Why didn't I notice it earlier? I must be so weird.

Oh, I just quit from my vocal lesson. I just made the decision in a split second. I don't have to worry about regretting it later. Because my reason is that the passion is gone. Which is very sad. So instead of pulling it, dragging it, I thought I should quit. I know when the time comes, I'd have the passion again. Then I would go back to vocal. Only then would I feel the satisfaction of a vocal tuition, like old times. Unlike now, it's like I'm attending the tuition only because I've paid for it. So I want to retrieve the passion. By quitting... For the time being anyways.

A few days ago I wrote a journal entry about how I wanted something new to happen. Something "out of my dictionary". When I told this to my father, he said "You shouldn't wait for something to happen. You should take action." For a moment I was speechless. I did not know what to say. What did I want to happen? How can I make it happen?

In the afternoon I attended a seminar by Ernest Wong. He said something that made me stop. "Right now you are only challenging your own brain. In the next five or ten years, you would be up against the whole world." What would I do then? All this time, I failed to notice that I was only within my own world. That all this time, I was in my comfort zone. Protected, nursed. Who was I to be "stressed"? Who was I to say that I understand what "stress" means? Who was I to sulk, and be miserable?

Then I realised I was still thinking as a kid. Taken by emotions. Then I realised that In five or ten years' time, I have to let go of this habit. The whole world would be my warzone. And my parents would be far away. I have to make the right decisions. And do the right things. The future would be only mine to decide.

We ate dinner, and talked about serious stuff. About how my grandpa's brother's wife got brain cancer. I only knew. She couldn't speak, couldn't smile. I used to see her on her wheelchair, head bald and face wrinkled and old. I always wondered why she never smiled. I wondered why she never talked. But I never bothered to ask. Only now I knew. When my father said her husband's going to remarry with another woman. I asked "is his wife okay with it?" and he said he didn't know. I asked "what did she say"? He just looked at me and said there was nothing she could say, she's got brain cancer.

Then I thought. She couldn't speak, or move. All day she sits on her wheelchair, with a nurse looking after her. If she's itchy somewhere, she can't do anything about it. If she wants to pee but they feed her instead, she can't tell them that wasn't what she wanted. What she usually did was pinch the person hard to tell them they were wrong.

My dad said they should've just let her go when she got the cancer. It's true. How she is, it's same like not living. We feel things, but we can't do anything. I can't imagine what it would be like. I asked dad how she was before she got cancer. He said she was sweet and very nice. She loved to talk. And that just made me tear up in the reaturant. Mom said "if she really loved him, up till now, she would let him remarry and be happy." It was like a drama. It was so heartbreaking. I teared up more and more, till at last we had to get out of the restaurant.