Time moves
The program changes
But I'm still here
Not living in the present
Too busy being scared about the future

Aaah what a pathetic me
Oh right, merry christmas eve everyone

I put down Kafka on the Shore. Reality seemed a bit odd, having lived in Haruki Murakami's surreal world for the past few days and consecutive hours. Dad was right. I wasn't always this way (a good person in general), I've had my share of trouble-making in the past. He said books must have changed me, and I did not believe him at first but after some thought I stood for its truth also.

Sliding open the glass doors that led to the fish pond, I sat on the bench and threw scraps of fish food one by one, watching to see who caught the meal. If Murakami believed that fire was a living thing, that it was born out of nothing and then dies into nothing once more, that it had a purpose for its birth, I'm sure fishes do too. I was never interested in these water-dwelling creatures. They did not speak to me, nor did they see me. All they did was swim in circles and eat the food we throw at them. I realise that perhaps we who own fishes have robbed these creatures of their reason for living. How would we react to being locked in an empty room with ten others, to wander aimlessly, eat and defecate, dirtying our living space.

I sat down legs folded on the rock erect in the middle of the pond. The fishes dispersed, hiding from me. But it did not take long for the more daring souls to swim around the area I sat on. Slowly, they got used to my presence. I tried to find something among the fishes and the two turtles in the pond. Koi fishes look wise, long moustaches and all. I counted and located their fins, observed they way the moved. Turtles are symbols of wisdom. I got no jolt of inspiration, no verse to a poem and no philosophy. But I did feel a bit closer to those water creatures I never bothered to mind. That at least adds some value to my day.

People often tell me that I think too much. When my father taught me how to drive, he said flow like the water and you're good. Sometimes it bothers others when I share my nagging thoughts, when I try to figure things out that people say are too far ahead of me.

I'm not sure if it's wrong to think about the far future, or about issues that probably have no direct connection to my life. To be honest, I think about countless useless things. For instance, in Kafka on the Shore, it was stated on page 452, 'In that sense I'm a man totally without prejudices, like history or the weather - completely unbiased,'

As I've learned in one of my classes last semester, history is biased. However this also depends on what angle Murakami takes by the word 'history'. Any way, I pondered about this statement for a while and agreed that yes, weather is unbiased. I made a list of other things that are unbiased - paper, water, trees. Only nature can be unbiased it seems, for even the simplest most essential situations can be biased. For instance I lie on my bed in my Melbourne apartment. That I could afford going to Melbourne and studying there, or renting an apartment there, contains some bias.

See, not very important stuff eh?

One last thing I want to say. Sometimes I feel it can be confusing when you're young. You never know wrong from right, and when you feel that something is right, you get a lingering feeling that perhaps a mature, wiser person might think it is wrong. Having lived only 18 years makes me feel helpless sometimes, like I am not sure when to trust myself. When do you know what you do is what should be done? There always seem to be the shadow of an adult somewhere laughing at me saying I'm just an innocent kid who doesn't know anything yet. I cannot trust my decisions, myself, and sometimes feel the things I say may be stupid and childish. Under some situations though I do not care about this. Stefan Sagmeister's design piece stays in my mind, trying to look good limits my life. 


My grandpa used to tell me often: you're a student, so that is your job. Be an excellent student. It is as written in the book, and in many other books: your life has a purpose. Find it, right? I've yet to find mine, I am still aimlessly wandering like the fishes in my pond. But every book I devour and every piece of new knowledge I find makes me feel like I am getting closer to the answer. I guess some people don't try to find their purpose in life. Or maybe everyone finds in somewhere down the road. I don't know. So many things I don't know. I tell myself to think deeply not just of the future and the past, but also of the present. One thing for sure is I don't want to be a Koi fish in a fish pond. Rather, I prefer to be that fire that is born, does what it's meant to do, and then returns to nothing.


PS: I'm glad I picked up my copy of Kafka on the Shore. The two characters Kafka Tamura and Nakata are inspiring. I would say they have become my role models. Kafka teaches me to be strong, to stand up to reality. Nakata moves me in many ways, and I hope I can become more like him - a man of a righteous and simple mind. The other characters are wonderful too. This book was a delicious treat. What a great story-teller.

Labels: Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore

This afternoon I was chatting with a classmate of mine. We spoke a bit about my plan to continue on to take my Master's Degree. She said she on the other hand would rather go out right now to earn money rather than spend 2 more years studying. She wants to be rich. I wondered at that moment why I never felt that drive to be rich before.

The answer without thinking too much was of course, my family was pretty well-off ever since I could recall. We weren't bloody rich but we managed and now we are doing quite alright. I was always pampered, well-fed, well-educated. This has caused me to be absent of that fighting spirit, the fire that drove successful people. Or so I thought.

My father grew up in a poor background and as he often narrated to me, this was what fuelled him, what inspired his ambition. I have no such virtue (if I may selfishly call it a virtue) but I have my own advantage. What is it? Well, I have money to go out and get myself good education.

My boss told me today that I should go out, make mistakes, flunk a semester. I respect his opinion completely, but this one ideal I cannot agree with. Should he ever read this one day, understand that this is simply my personal opinion.

I cannot flunk a semester because it is not the 'mistake' he speaks of. A 'mistake' done intentionally cannot be a mistake worth making, that is what I think. If I did badly in the first place and then picked myself up then good on me. But if I weren't doing badly, why would I intentionally fail my classes? Two important points why it is something I will never do. One, I have no reason to. Two, I have a reason not to.

I do not have the heart to flunk classes and play around when I know that every second I spend overseas enrolled in my university, is money that my father worked hard for. You know, my father could have chosen to retire long ago, send me to some school in Jakarta. He could have done so much to make his life easier. He didn't have to go through all the trouble he did. But he did. So I cannot take that much nobility for granted. I have to return the unconditional favour.

This afternoon I didn't know why I would want to work hard. Tonight I finally realised it. I'm Daddy's Little Girl and Daddy's Big Girl at the same time, you know.




PS: I do go out and party and have fun, dye my hair in so many different colours. I think my boss just gets the impression that I am a prim nerd. He doesn't know me well enough :p