Enlightenment

A few days ago I wrote a journal entry about how I wanted something new to happen. Something "out of my dictionary". When I told this to my father, he said "You shouldn't wait for something to happen. You should take action." For a moment I was speechless. I did not know what to say. What did I want to happen? How can I make it happen?

In the afternoon I attended a seminar by Ernest Wong. He said something that made me stop. "Right now you are only challenging your own brain. In the next five or ten years, you would be up against the whole world." What would I do then? All this time, I failed to notice that I was only within my own world. That all this time, I was in my comfort zone. Protected, nursed. Who was I to be "stressed"? Who was I to say that I understand what "stress" means? Who was I to sulk, and be miserable?

Then I realised I was still thinking as a kid. Taken by emotions. Then I realised that In five or ten years' time, I have to let go of this habit. The whole world would be my warzone. And my parents would be far away. I have to make the right decisions. And do the right things. The future would be only mine to decide.

We ate dinner, and talked about serious stuff. About how my grandpa's brother's wife got brain cancer. I only knew. She couldn't speak, couldn't smile. I used to see her on her wheelchair, head bald and face wrinkled and old. I always wondered why she never smiled. I wondered why she never talked. But I never bothered to ask. Only now I knew. When my father said her husband's going to remarry with another woman. I asked "is his wife okay with it?" and he said he didn't know. I asked "what did she say"? He just looked at me and said there was nothing she could say, she's got brain cancer.

Then I thought. She couldn't speak, or move. All day she sits on her wheelchair, with a nurse looking after her. If she's itchy somewhere, she can't do anything about it. If she wants to pee but they feed her instead, she can't tell them that wasn't what she wanted. What she usually did was pinch the person hard to tell them they were wrong.

My dad said they should've just let her go when she got the cancer. It's true. How she is, it's same like not living. We feel things, but we can't do anything. I can't imagine what it would be like. I asked dad how she was before she got cancer. He said she was sweet and very nice. She loved to talk. And that just made me tear up in the reaturant. Mom said "if she really loved him, up till now, she would let him remarry and be happy." It was like a drama. It was so heartbreaking. I teared up more and more, till at last we had to get out of the restaurant.