I've been thinking, and thinking......
Over the past few days I've been feeling like the world has been moving quickly, and I am just this little girl - this kid - running along as I keep up with the scene before me that keeps changing, disappearing, changing again. And all the things I've been doing, it all opens up this new realm, where I am all alone.
I don't cry. I don't find it hard to adapt. In fact, I'm doing it all so well, sometimes I wonder who I am right now. And I think about the way I think. I wonder about my own reactions, my own opinions. Though, as independent as I feel I am, there is this lingering sense of emptiness.
Who am I proving myself for? Myself.
I start to wonder why I'm here. For example, why should I study? So I can get some good job later. And then what? Then I can earn a living, live a good life. After that? After that I retire, and then after that I die.
I'm not saying I don't enjoy studying. All my life I've devoted myself to that. I've worked my ass off and at times it gets so hard but I never gave up. I broke down so many times. Yes... that's what I've been up to all this time - challenging my potential. That's all I've been doing.
And then what? Surely there is more to it. Why do I challenge myself? Why do I not give up even when things get so fucked up hard? Well, that's how I am. I hate losing. I hate losing to other people, I hate losing to myself. And I really hate it when one tells me I can't do it when they haven't even seen me try.
Is that who I am?
Who am I?
To be honest I don't really like reality.
Maybe that's why I'm so good with imagination. Although that's where it ends. Imaginations never really do come true. When imagination stops I'll be back here again, thrown, pushed, and always striving to keep up. Aah... yes, imagination is good. Maybe that's why I spend so many hours of my life reading novels, comics, watching animes, drawing, writing. Maybe that's also why I cannot stand learning business (and never really bothered any attempt). It's too real. This leads to that and then that comes to this. It's really boring to me.
Right now everything's boring me.
And if you wonder why a 16 (well, soon to be 17) year old girl thinks like this, like some middle aged woman, well, maybe I am old at heart. Me. Old.
Many people in university asked me if I ever feel like I've lost my youth since I'm entering uni at this age. To be honest I didn't understand how to answer that. What do you mean 'youth'? I don't remember what my 'youth' was like. Is my 'youth' over already? By entering university I've lost my 'youth'? Maybe I've never experienced youth. Oh wow gee.
I guess I never really was that youthful. When 'EWW COOTIES' was something so often exclaimed by fellow classmates I never did get to the trend. (When that was happening I was a bookworm, reading more than one book a day).
Ohmygod... I feel so old... I feel like I'm 30 something. Someone my age should be all pumped about 'life and its possibilities' shouldn't she? Yeah but I'm not particularly excited about anything. Don't you just feel like shaking me, slapping me and yelling at me to 'GET A LIFE GO HAVE SOME FUN'?
Yeah well I haven't had fun in a long time. I can't remember when I last had genuine fun. So drag me.
Sorry for the totally pointless gloomy rant. I've just been really lost recently. And I cannot help myself from writing it all down.
