peter pan

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

I realize how disconnected I am from everything around me. I walk, breathe, talk, and yet at the end of the day I only remember the world in my head. I remember my thoughts, my emotions, and these help me recall what happened in real life. I guess that's why I never remember directions, or which classes I've enrolled in.

When I was a few years younger, I had a huge crush on this boy I met once. And I still remember his outfit until now... blue shirt, white jacket, blue watch, jeans, white shoes. Whereas if someone asks me the direction to my house... I can't seem to answer. So when I wrote this second paragraph:

I wasn't joking. In fact, 30% might be an understatement.

Another way to put it is that I'm way too romantic. Note that when I use the word romantic here I do not necessarily associate the word with love. You know, I meant the other meaning. So I think of stories in my head. When I see an object I can immediately weave a story about it. When I shower I even think of the most unreal plot. And the shower is just something I allow my body to work on. Where I truly live in is my head. That's where all my emotions are.

I can see things that may happen in the future. I even see things that never will. Often I don't see things that's already happening.

Is this wrong? I think it is. I think I should live in my world. Be more involved with the people around me, read the news, contribute, be active. But I hate those things... I hate involving myself with things that don't have direct emotional contact with me. I sound pathetic and I sound weak, and the more I write this blog post, the more I start to hate who I am. Is it a good thing to deny yourself? Well, who am I to say that anyway. I probably don't even know who I am. 'Myself' probably doesn't exist yet. In a solid way.